Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Because I know the way you did your hair
In the summer light on those old nights
There's something lingering there
And you know that it's just not fair
The way that you kissed me when you'd never miss me. 

And so
Because the way we fell all apart
The words you'll never take back
And the ones that I'd never say
Doesn't erase from my memory 
The way that it tasted when you barely breathed
Quiet in the night holding in nightmares
As you slept as you slept there


And so
Summers turned round to fall
Apples and promises had
The warmth of you has left my air
Flowers wilted from my hair
The things we left behind when the sun angled wise
We've left ourselves for too many tall tales
And memories in the golden fields 

Because I knew the way you did your hair
In the summer light on those cold nights
Where something lingered there
And you knew that it's just not fair
The way that you kissed me when you'll never miss me. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The light from the window reminds me
Of a place far away and near at once
That I've been to only in photographs
Leaving an ache in my bones that I cannot remember
How it got there and stayed for all these generations

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I'm the strongest there is,
up from the fire,
A pheonix still molting ashes
and it feels the next
burning time comes soon.

When all I have left is these
Smoldering wings
a shattering past lay behind me
and all I see is reasons
not to come down

We all need a little help
but I don't want
to be your dolly
or hear you say
I can't make it on my own.

I climbed out of hell
built for me
ascending by blood and nails
embedded into what
we used to call me.

Where I have walked
barefoot, naked
floors paved with broken glasses
I've left your devastation
to lay far behind me.

We all need a little help
but I don't want
to be your dolly
or hear you say
I can't make it on my own

Friday, July 25, 2014

I discovered something tonight 
Standing half naked and alone in my kitchen,
I like girls with cores of steel
Wrapped in softness you can't touch,
Girls who are cynical and tired
Holding out limping feminitiy and hope.
I like girls whose bases weather through
And whose voices are deceptively fragile
And who will not shut up, just switch methods
These girls whose hooks unto me
Don't break, just blend into 
Another part of this circle.

Babe you gonna mock me,
I never get what I want.
It ain't gonna wound me
I've already stiched it up. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I have become a marshland
Soft and plunging,
Folding underfoot.
I was once a rich meadow
But you dammed me,
Building your dens-
They call it bio diverse
A rich environment
Where before you saw only
A slightly arid stretch 
And a stream ran through it.
You laud the habitat you built but
Now I can only give out 
and never recieve.
Did you not see the depths
And breadths of my weavings
Were the homes built in me invisible 
when they were not of your own hands?
The only breaths of life with meaning
It seems,
Are the ones that flourish as you thrive.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

(I'm not even the sort of
Girl you set up with someone
For fear I'll tip and overflow
Drowning an unsuspecting innocent
Under the song of my madness.)

Your balance isn't the only thing
Unstable in these seas. 
The siren's call is deadly,
So we block the sound from our ears.
No amount of fury unseals this wax.

Monday, July 7, 2014

I shiver at the wind
Because I don't know your touch-
Would you graze me so soft
That pain echos after,
The down of it setting
My nerves into panic 
Like a stiff breeze
On a bad day?
Or would you press so hard
I ripple and flush,
Purple and then green,
The ooze of contentment 
Grounding me to wherever 
You feet have taken us?

Driven mad by feather pains
And driven deep under your weight,
And yet untouched, unlonged 
Un brushed by consideration,
I lock away what I cannot bleed
Out unto a page.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Things I will not have:

Laying at your feet
Purring when you remember
That I am here and
Stroke my hair.

Dropping to my knees
At the sound of your round voice
Asking me to wait
A minute

As I watch you go
From her to a closer you
Rounding down the steel
In your core.

Tracing the curve of
Your waist in eyes and kisses
And worshipful touch
Thrumming in.

Washing your hair and 
Scrubbing free the dead skin cells
Under warm cloth or
With my nails.

Laying down clean and 
Protected by the smell of
Your damp hair on my 
Dry pillow.

Waking up clinging
To the hallow your hip made,
Smell sticking to sheets
Empty, warm.

(I know I wept but
My pillow is dry and the
Salt wet under yours
When I search.)

Laying hands grasped as
I sob out memories drug
Out of my own depths
Beside you.

Feeding you breakfast
Well past noon because who let
The either of us 
Be adults?

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Tear this unaimed
Longing out of my chest
And make my heart as practical
As pessimism makes the mind.
L ife may teach soul crushing truths
But it doesn't mean I want a pulped heart.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

My joy
Turns to ash
On your lips
Grey from
Your licking them
With my heart
In your mouth.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Today's the day 
I take the things
I didn't want from you
(Cold and shimmering
In the sun)
Swallow them down
Feel the chill
Bloat inside of me
(Hard round marbles
Left to freeze)
I hope to blush green
And fresh 
Beneath the dew of you
(Turning blueish in the light
As only water can do) 
Instead of letting who I am
Break under weight
Of being unwanted too.
(Cold as ice under
A winters sun)

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I want for this to
Grow to become
As solid as
The roots between 
He and I,
To have those ties grow into
Ours and
To create a harmony
The way I sense
You water him
Beyond what has been there before. 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Call me Ariel
But I'm no Disney princess
for all my earnest hopes
of something better
for all the painful
steps I've taken out
the green depths
These fins are crafted
more by Anderson.

Non-Poem Poetry update

I just wanted to let those reading this- and I know there aren't too many of you- know that I had a previously unpublished poem, SEEP, published in Barking Sycamores.

Barking Sycamores is a poetry journal founded by Nicole Nicholson. Barking Sycamores publishes poetry (and art) by neurodivergent writers. They use a broad definition of neurodivergent, inclusive of not only autistic writers but also those who would get a dx of ADHD, Bipolar, Synesthesia, and so on. If you aren't sure if you or your dx qualify, they are quite friendly and I'm sure that they would be willing to answer you. Barking Sycamores contact information is found here.

Nicole's own work you can check out under Ravenswing Poetry. I highly rec it- I'm especially thrilled about her ongoing Sci Fi series Digital Purgatory featuring the (without giving away spoilers) neurodivergent WoC Aanteekwa.

The submissions for Barking Sycamores' second issue are currently open until 6/30/14.

You can read all the poems in Barking Sycamores issue one here.

You can read my poem, SEEP, here.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

I want to sit in the shade
of you, fingers dangling
and echoing Fall Out Boy
lyrics into the folds of skirts
foot twitching to stroke the
almost perfect grass in the
long stretch of summer afternoons
and hopeful twinings of hair
grown long in an echo of
restricted childhood framed
by long corridors and
hospital smells fading into
choirs singing hallelujah
 as we left them behind.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Sometimes I wonder
if I love these symbols
more because I've gone so long
parched for love
displayed out in the open
for sway-ings like mine
that any little drop
feels like heaven
sent springs-
even when in fertile grounds
it would be too stagnant to ponder.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

It's not that I
don't believe in
soul mates,
that I don't think
there's a soul to
match or complement
each soul;

It's that I strongly suspect
that the soul that matches mine
died in the crib as a child,
Or wandered off into water
when no one bothered
to teach them to swim.

Monday, May 12, 2014

I'm unsure of the connections
between my sensations and
my body, this tiny euphoria
that I sense around the edges
and yet can't quite grasp onto.
I cannot feel it inside of me,
and the glow that is noticed
feels only like a tea dipped
edging upon blank paper.

I think I'm supposed to
be appalled or frightened
By this incongruity;
but in the face
of the disconnect
I can bring myself
to feel neither.

Friday, May 9, 2014

There's some sort of
discrepancy between
my mind and my body
a self protective disconnect
in response to relentless
pain- the nerves screaming
that invisible hands pound my flesh
that after days on end are
muffled into a distance
brain expending all its energy
into building those reinforcements
and straggling on through
the fog.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

If all hearts break open wide
at every instance that
deserves to be called heart breaking
the hearts would be
dust and unable to fight
the breaking;
Let your heart crack
little bits to be reinforced
to stem the bleed.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

My heart is racing
and I wonder if
paranoia would be better
than disappointment and long
worn melting emotions
feelings drained out when
I do not expect
and leave my back exposed.
I'm tender
and crispy around the edges,
sliced apart and fried
like ill done potato chips
raw and rotting in the middle
ashes crumbling to dust
at the ends.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The candle light has dwindled
to two small points in the night
glowing eyes set above
the dull stalks of the holders
in the dimness of the evening.
So little could have been done
yet so much has been.


Saturday, April 12, 2014

Deep breath in
and exhale to the
tune of a starship's manifest
It's time to prove that there's
something still moving in these
depths beneath a long still pool
My currents turn ripples to
waves across my surface-
is it time to come up for breath?
The light scatters and dances
stars where waves peak
and I rest my burning eyes.



Friday, April 11, 2014

vestigial existence
these chemicals that flood
the channels that
irrigate imaginings 
and movings beneath
smooth plains.
My continuance a
remainder of the processes
manufacturing culture
until we collapse in upon 
vestigial existence
the key to endurance
if I can survive the now.


Tethered and tender
bound am I
to this framework built
from gut string and bone
upon the drafts that
chaos wraught in
a past imagined by
bespeckled men whose
bones now molder
under deeply en-mossed


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I'm a fragile eco system
built of bird spit and star dust
delicate electro wires frizle with
each impulse out from the darkness.
I've come tilted and un managed
my pools over running and building
bogs where once were tender footpaths
and leaving the other dry, parched,
leeched away so that even the water
unexpected afore death leaves no
jolt but cognition. Thoughts a reflex
now where once white hot lightening
arched from pool to pool, foot press
to foot press, alight with hope.
I've found these paths abandoned
an old bower's nest strangely preserved
through time, as the rot seeps up
from the ground and reclaims
the supports keeping up the
expectant hoardings twinkling
as the light reaches a final
gloaming over the ruined land.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Green glass sits in the rounded stones 
And the waves come up cold
From the north, salt water 
Coming in icy 
From the swell off the boats. 
I want to say she does not see me here
Picking my way across the
Sand bar home, 
But her captain smirks at my wet feet
When the tide chased my heels
Towards the dock
The same as 
He did when I told him
Where I wAs going this afternoon. 

These treasures that I would bring
Home to you
To form the housing to protect 
Our hearts 
Are made brittle by the ice forming
At the edges.