I discovered something tonight 

Standing half naked and alone in my kitchen,

I like girls with cores of steel

Wrapped in softness you can't touch,

Girls who are cynical and tired

Holding out limping feminitiy and hope.

I like girls whose bases weather through

And whose voices are deceptively fragile

And who will not shut up, just switch methods

These girls whose hooks unto me

Don't break, just blend into 

Another part of this circle.

Babe you gonna mock me,

I never get what I want.

It ain't gonna wound me

I've already stiched it up. 

I have become a marshland

Soft and plunging,

Folding underfoot.

I was once a rich meadow

But you dammed me,

Building your dens-

They call it bio diverse

A rich environment

Where before you saw only

A slightly arid stretch 

And a stream ran through it.

You laud the habitat you built but

Now I can only give out 

and never recieve.

Did you not see the depths

And breadths of my weavings

Were the homes built in me invisible 

when they were not of your own hands?

The only breaths of life with meaning

It seems,

Are the ones that flourish as you thrive.

(I'm not even the sort of

Girl you set up with someone

For fear I'll tip and overflow

Drowning an unsuspecting innocent

Under the song of my madness.)

Your balance isn't the only thing

Unstable in these seas. 

The siren's call is deadly,

So we block the sound from our ears.

No amount of fury unseals this wax.

I shiver at the wind

Because I don't know your touch-

Would you graze me so soft

That pain echos after,

The down of it setting

My nerves into panic 

Like a stiff breeze

On a bad day?

Or would you press so hard

I ripple and flush,

Purple and then green,

The ooze of contentment 

Grounding me to wherever 

You feet have taken us?

Driven mad by feather pains

And driven deep under your weight,

And yet untouched, unlonged 

Un brushed by consideration,

I lock away what I cannot bleed

Out unto a page.

Things I will not have:

Laying at your feet

Purring when you remember

That I am here and

Stroke my hair.

Dropping to my knees

At the sound of your round voice

Asking me to wait

A minute

As I watch you go

From her to a closer you

Rounding down the steel

In your core.

Tracing the curve of

Your waist in eyes and kisses

And worshipful touch

Thrumming in.

Washing your hair and 

Scrubbing free the dead skin cells

Under warm cloth or

With my nails.

Laying down clean and 

Protected by the smell of

Your damp hair on my 

Dry pillow.

Waking up clinging

To the hallow your hip made,

Smell sticking to sheets

Empty, warm.

(I know I wept but

My pillow is dry and the

Salt wet under yours

When I search.)

Laying hands grasped as

I sob out memories drug

Out of my own depths

Beside you.

Feeding you breakfast

Well past noon because who let

The either of us 

Be adults?

Tear this unaimed

Longing out of my chest

And make my heart as practical

As pessimism makes the mind.

L ife may teach soul crushing truths

But it doesn't mean I want a pulped heart.