Sunday, July 17, 2016

I want you. Shamelessly. 
I long to kneel at your feet
To inhale the smell of you
As I rest my side against your thigh
And watch the fire crackle and pop
As the breeze carries off the heat of the day. 

I desire the weight of your hand
Squeezing my phalanges together
Grinding the bones until I float
And they make my arms dance
Like eels in the water of your touch
Wild but to you compliant. 

I miss a time when you could
Touch me in stillness rather than fight 
When I could Lean against you
And not have our sense of how 
Time is so little urge us along
Into the inevitable before the peace. 

I wish I could touch you without
Our blood racing, without
Slipping under the waters of you
Before I have the chance to breathe you in
To feel the warmth of your skin 
To- if time only allowed for it!- doze
Fire warmed against your knee
Before kissing your hip in the dark of night. 

Saturday, May 21, 2016

I'm fuckable now which is an
Accomplishment for
Someone who looks like me.

I'm fuckable now which is an
Ah-complishment for
Someone with brains like me.

Some how this accomplishment
Isn't as useful
As it once seemed.

I'm fuckable now but who cares?
Doesn't mean anyone wants
To spend any other time with me.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Wanting this much makes me hate myself. 
I fight against illogical desires and 
Aim to avoid getting my hopes up
And I had gotten pretty fucking good at it
And now you are back in my life
And thoughts of you make the blood
Rush to my flesh, 
Leave me dizzy and unable to think
Clearly, to see clearly,
To avoid arching my back and 
Whispering fuck 
Alone in my kitchen as I try to return
Myself to a homeostasis that I can work from
Breathe from without gasping. 
I've gotten so good at not getting my hopes up
Letting myself settle into my power
And seeping out into the attainable
To not look ahead and rush 
And now that hard won self control
Is puddled around me, 
Back pressed against hard reality
Trying to bring myself
Back to earth, level my breathing
Slow my blood and approach you
With my will intact. 
I have willed my spine into steel
And still had you before
So why is my back gone
Rounded without you from your thoughts?

Saturday, April 30, 2016

"Moroccan" hair

Last night my mother and I
were chatting about our hair
about caring for it, about oil
and I mentioned that my sister
didn't need to do what we did.
"Her hair isn't coarse like ours;
she doesn't have our Moroccan hair"
And it's driven home that
the reason We are seen ethnically European
is our ancestors failed to flee
across 9 miles of water and
assimilated, pulled
away from themselves
when the words left their
Jewish-Moorish mouths,
"...Et in Iesum Christum,
Filium eius unicum, Dominum
nostrum, qui conceptus est
de Spiritu Sancto,
natus ex Maria Virgine..."
Pled, "no, no, yo soy católico
Verme aquí, mientras
mis personas dejen
Es decir, aquellas personas
Soy un buen ... un buen católico
Un católico. dame mi casa, mi profesión
No enviarme al exilio."
aquellas personas - their family,
their people, their history, denied
Made into an other
for the sake of assimilation.
Who would we be if they had fled,
how would they see us?
Either way their blood shows
in my mother and I. Our
Moorish hair. Could-have-been Moroccan hair.
Jewish- or perhaps precisely
Sephardic hair. What my family
usually hides under Just Spanish-ness
hair, on my head and my arms,
my toes sprouting genetic memories
DNA expressing the blood
that carries on from under assimilation.
Even my body wishes to incribe
in us where our people have been.
I don't understand why she doesn't
want to return with me.