Wanting this much makes me hate myself. 

I fight against illogical desires and 

Aim to avoid getting my hopes up

And I had gotten pretty fucking good at it

And now you are back in my life

And thoughts of you make the blood

Rush to my flesh, 

Leave me dizzy and unable to think

Clearly, to see clearly,

To avoid arching my back and 

Whispering fuck 

Alone in my kitchen as I try to return

Myself to a homeostasis that I can work from

Breathe from without gasping. 

I've gotten so good at not getting my hopes up

Letting myself settle into my power

And seeping out into the attainable

To not look ahead and rush 

And now that hard won self control

Is puddled around me, 

Back pressed against hard reality

Trying to bring myself

Back to earth, level my breathing

Slow my blood and approach you

With my will intact. 

I have willed my spine into steel

And still had you before

So why is my back gone

Rounded without you from your thoughts?