A year ago

That would have been deeply erotic. 

Now it is as if

A blob fish

Flopped on top of you

And struggled against 

The oppressive weight of air

Gyrating wetly

Futilely

As you grow even limper

Than it is. 

 I wish 

My body

Would diminish 

Like my “voice” has

Like my talent has

Like my potential has

Growing small and smaller

Until I am eclipsed

By someone new

And can fade safely

Into the background

Drifting away on winds

Like memory

Easily forgotten in form

As I am in spirit

Constancy- on Community.

 I still

Love

Believe in

You

Even if you don’t 

Love 

Believe in 

Me.

 at one point I thought

I was moderately good enough at

a variety of things. 

I pulled myself back from the hubris of

thinking I was excellent at any of it

but found somethings I could look at and say, 

"I'm no star, but this at least

I am tolerable at."

That foolishness has be drawn out of me.

It gets harder to do them, now, 

with every reminder that claiming mediocrity

was in vain. 

It isn't even really the small pond problem-

I don't know if I was oblivious or just stupid

or just tasteless,

but the lights are shutting off, row by row

approaching the small corner where

even my most intimate deeds

the ones I thought I could always look at and say

"I can not tell the world any of it

but I'm good at this" 

are fading into less than 

an acceptable rhythm.

my body could accept the small joys

at least

once. 

I thought occasionally it could give them

too.

But now not even the fibers of my nerves

communicate success, 

stuck at best in almost,

In "well, you tried!" 

(even mechanical success cannot

spark along to complete the circuit

and it's not terribly useful 

without that small success, is it? 

steadfast

 You've told me before 

that you don't remember 

a specific chunk of your life.

The details blurred away

by the chaos of it.

I remember-- some parts-- though.

I remember you calling me,

drunk (too often we were) 

(ah, youth)

and sobbing,

to tell me you loved me, 

to beg me...

I haven't told you. 

I'm still ashamed

of holding too high

a moral high ground

over defended my point

instead of admitting

I love you (too.)

I can't tell you.

In the era of our lives

when you confessed 

your memory failed you

we had come to agreements

of what we would not

ask of each other.

I agreed. 

My agreement made me a liar

and I cannot bring myself

to face the potential

that I have remained

in my unspoken constancy,

while you have moved on

from your tear slurred confession.

I will not tell.   

(2017)

 After everything we've been through 

I don't regret a moment I dedicated to you. 

I've seen other lovers rage and stew 

Swallowing what they let fester, let brew

Long after they knew it had ended. 

I could stay longer until it became

A mutual self destruction with both to blame

But hate is a younger lovers game. 

I'm leaving while the leaving's clean

When my heart beats bruised but restrained

Pen and sword each cut both ways

I still have control of my pen — and my aim? well trained

I cut only what unites us— else we each retain. 

Heartbreak is inevitable,

But hate is a younger lover's game. 

(2022) Okay but women exist.

 Okay but women exist. 

Women exist

Women with long hair

 with short hair with

 somewhere in-between hair

Women who gaze

Whose eyes flicker, touch

Women having lips, touching lips, touching your lips

Women with tits and women without, Women with lush valleys women with mutable peaks

Women who flood

Women who drip

Women whose moisture is hidden within,

Women whose joy erupts,

Women! 

I want to bury myself in that land, feel her surround every part of me,

Feel her surrender beneath my touch, 

and to surrender to her touch, her words, her scent, 

the juice of her very essence—

until—